"For your protection and the protection of others."

Any sign that starts with this sentence should be torn down, burned (or melted, depending), pissed on, then turned in to garden filler.

The sign inevitably continues on to list the actions which you can, cannot, shouldn't, or should do. "For your protection and the protection of others, please observe these guidelines..."

Yes, the cliffs are high. Thank you for threatening me with arrest, fines, a criminal record, and violence if I go near them. Your amusing illustration of a man falling off the cliffs was very helpful to me in deciding whether I should play frisbee blindfolded near the edge. I imagine, without your helpful, informational, gigantic, colorful, overtly threatening signs, I might just die every time I go near something with a view.

Without your wonderful guidelines, my loving, caring government, I don't know how the human race would survive all these dangerous places.

I realize that common sense isn't all that common. However, I see this as a benefit. If you're stupid enough to dry your hair while in the bathtub - kindly remove yourself from the gene pool. And you surely would have, were it not for the myriad of warning labels wrapped securely around the cord. All 9 of them. All 9 labels that say the exact same thing. In 14 languages. Each with cute little illustrations depicting your forthcoming death by electrocution should you use said product within 3 miles of a puddle. It's a wonder there's not a label about using a hairdryer on wet hair.

These labels and signs have invariably come about as a result of frivolous lawsuits championed by sleazy lawyers employed by shining examples of humanity. Thanks to your joke of a lawsuit, morbidly obese mcdonalds lady, my coffee now warns me in SEVEN different places, that it is indeed quite hot.

I changed my oil the other day. There's a label on my engine block informing me, with illustration, that it can be hot. I'd never have imagined an object that uses controlled explosions in enclosed spaces to propel a 4000 pound cube of steel at high speeds may reach a temperature considered dangerous to human skin. To think, I was about to get naked and take a seat.

I've come up with a solution. Ban warning labels and signs. If an individual is inclined to park on train tracks - don't warn them not to - let the problem solve itself. One less person parking on train tracks. Want to watch TV in the bath? Awesome! Hopefully it's softcore on cable when your neighbors lights go out from the flash frying of your entire body in the next apartment over. I say - let people smoke at the pump. When the station down on 14th and main mushroom clouds and levels 2 city blocks incinerating 487 women, children, lizards and elderly in 3 seconds flat - there won't be much smoking at pumps.

Think about it. Has a label or sign ever actually prevented your imminent death and or serious facial or gential disfiguration? I imagine not. If you answered yes to this question - do us all a favor and please find the nearest label and do the opposite of what it says.

Thanks.